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I'M BACK: Everything I Should Write in My Journal

    Oh my, hello hello! I know it's been a long time - 593 days, 3 hours, 17 minutes, and 25 seconds to be exact, but I'm sure you weren't counting. Anyway, yesterday night, I stumbled upon my blog and was rereading some of my old posts. And, I realized just how much I missed writing down my thoughts - it made them feel more concrete, more real. Also, with the freedom that college provides, I have been focusing more intensely on more technical or STEM-based classes which is definitely pushing me towards my career goals but leaving my writing feeling a bit lackluster, and my general headspace quite uninspired. So, I've decided to restart my documentation of some of my introspective and interesting ideas in the namesake of the site. 

    So, I thought I would begin with some life updates and current musings because I'm a bit rusty at this writing thing, and this seemed like the topic I could speak (metaphorically of course) upon with the least activation energy required. The biggest change in my life has clearly been college - after all, my last post was documenting my thoughts at my high school graduation. College and the semblance of adulthood I have is a game, like Monopoly - except for I'm playing with the rules of chess. Nothing could have ever really prepared me for the last year and half. 

    I remember going into college - with an implacable determination to reinvent myself. Time for a kinder, funnier, more outgoing Janvi to replace the more introverted, sarcastic, and reflective one. I'm a big believer in your ability to change/adjust your habits and traits based on what you deem to be desirable. For instance, I always knew that I liked to socialize, but I tended to be too nervous to ever get outside of my comfort zone to make friends to make this happen. My mortal enemy is stagnancy, so I have always believed that I could get better at this perceived shortcoming. And, I did. I joined a sorority (who is she?) and went into social hyperdrive and made many of the friends that I am still grateful to be close with today. But, as semesters passed, I realize I didn't want to nor could I ever really get rid of the sarcastic, introverted version of myself. This past summer, however, this seemed to cause a bit of crisis. I distinctly recall sitting in my room with two groups of my friends - one group knew me in situations where I tended to be more bubbly, carefree, outgoing while the other knew me in the context of being more reflective and emotional (honestly also sometimes quite sad - so shoutout to them for being there for that). And with one group of my friends sitting on one side of the room and the other on the opposite, my personality was being physically split into two. And, I felt like I needed to decide who I was going to be. Do I like staying in or going out? Am I introverted or extroverted? Solemn or carefree? I'm still trying to teach myself that I don't need to choose, and all versions of myself are equally authentic, valid, and can coexist (ew that was so preachy - my apologies). I've learned it's much easier said than done to be yourself because at the end of the day, who even am I? 

    With that bit of existentialism out of the way, let's move on to updates about college itself - academics, extracurriculars, and the things that are slightly less personal and what you all would likely want to hear about. I go to MIT (go beavers I suppose), and I'm studying Computer Science and Neuroscience. But, I am way more interested in neuroscience and spend much of my free time planning how to minimize the pain that certain CS classes are known to bring. This past semester, especially, was so hard, and that's the understatement of the century. School has never been more challenging. Learning that you can try your hardest - go to every office hour, take every practice exam - and sometimes things still don't go your way. Learning that is humbling to say the least. On the other hand, I have learned more content and material than I ever have before - and way more organic chemistry than I imagined. Along the way, I have met the coolest people ever. From Nobel Laureates causally smiling at me in the elevators to calling people with the most innovative research ideas, fully-funded startups, and/or international academic recognitions my friends, I have never been surrounded by more brilliant people and never felt quite so motivated to pursue my own passions. Honestly, I thought I would be hit with way more imposter syndrome, but I quickly realized it is simply impossible to compare myself with my peers because of the scope of their accomplishments. Understanding me and any other person are working towards entirely different goals in our own ways is transformative. I don't necessarily want to be any of my classmates, and quite frankly, I couldn't be them even if I tried. 

    In terms of extracurriculars, I have learned how much I love doing research. Being on the frontier of a technology or a methodology that no one in the history of the world has been at before - that is exhilarating and addicting. Almost like being an astronaut on the edge of the observable universe except for I have gravity to keep me on two feet. I have also found small microcosms of the MIT community that are incredibly supportive and leave me feeling so warm and fuzzy inside. 

    That's how I'm doing. Working hard, having fun, and feeling introspective. So in 593 days, in reality, not much has changed. That's really all from me. 

    I want to leave you with the following idea I got from a recent video. Start being more of a producer and less of a consumer. Often, we are swamped with YouTube videos, Netflix docuseries, Spotify podcasts, or constant TikToks to consume/watch. Deciding to produce a journal entry, a painting, a photograph, a new recipe, or maybe even a blog post to share with the world or no one at all can be quite refreshing. After all, that's the reason I'm writing this post. 

Thanks for reading and hoping you enjoyed, 

Janvi :)

Note: Sorry this was so long! I should go back to writing something not so self-involved shortly, but as many of you know, I'm not one known for being concise. Also, I saw that there are several thousand new people found my blog over the time I did not post, so welcome if you are new! Looking forward to you joining this conversation <3 




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